This is going to be a tough post to write. I’m an extremely private person, even with my friends. It’s not that I internalize things. I face things. All damn day and especially at night, when all I want to do is sleep. I’m not afraid to be judged, either. I’ve known most of my friends since high school when I was an out of control mess. They’ve seen the worst and still love me, twenty years on. No, I think I’m private because I know myself, and I’ve never found dragging my problems out to be very useful. That’s just my way.
SO I have to wonder what the hell I’m doing with this blog idea, putting my business out into the world for all to see like this. I think a part of it is that I’m just so bored, even kind of disgusted, by some of these lifestyle blogs I’ve seen that are made by clearly unqualified people giving out advice on how to live. It seems so irresponsible. They’re the equivalent of a Photoshopped model to me, living a fantasy life inside their online persona, throwing out unrealistic standards for their hordes of followers to compare their lives to. It’s not bad that we try to show our best selves in social media. That’s natural. But these people, with their designer pets and their hubbies favorite recipes and their chevrons on goddamn everything … it turns me right off.
I know that I felt bad about myself at first, reading what these super-humans have to say about themselves. Why can’t I do all the things!? Just as I have looked in the mirror and wondered why I’m cursed with pores and a nose and thought I could never be like one of those Photoshopped things in the magazines. It’s not right for people to think about themselves in terms of how they compare to another person, but that’s how it goes. But when that other person isn’t real, that’s a problem.
You might have seen these people. Maybe not. I don’t mean to suggest that this is the majority. There’s plenty of real out there. I’m simply stating my intent to be one of the real people. It goes to motive, I guess. This is why I feel like sharing what is almost certain to be another massive face-plant along my crooked path. It’s all going to be in this here section of the blog. If a reader happens to learn something from my honest account of said face-plant, great. But I won’t have any advice, and I’ll remind my (hypothetical) readers as often as possible that I don’t know what I’m doing. This is an experiment, not a how-to.
When I began writing this I thought I might have some confessional things to say in this first post for the Files. I don’t think I’m there yet. Maybe this has provided some more insight into what’s behind all this and what’s motivating my approach. Maybe I’ve only managed to make myself look like a bitter and cynical asshole. There’s truth in that. It’s not pretty, but it’s honest. I think that’s the whole point.